How to have a Russian accent - Rule 0

Watching a lot of Hollywood movies, it used to surprise me how horrible peoples' supposedly "Russian" accents were. Now that I'm older and watch less movies (and way less action movies), Russians are no longer the stereotypical villains of screen on one hand, and there are more russophones in Hollywood (probably) on the other, I don't know if it's as bad. Still, a lot of people can't do a good Russian accent. Not least of them my freind V., whom we've been trying to teach. So what does it involve? I'm going to try to give some pointers. Watch this space!

Rule 0. No Russian words! This is the most obvious thing in the world to make a reasonable foreign accent, yet it's often ignored even by professional actors. In general if x is a foreign language, and you are not actually extremely fluent in x, you should NOT EVER have x words in your x-accented English. The problem is not even (at least not mainly) that you will give away your lack of proficiency in the source language, though this is also true. The problem is that it is not something an actual accent would ever contain. A Scottish person could stick in scots English words into their English when speaking to an American - whether because they are proud of their scots heritage or because they don't realise that this word wouldn't sound normal in standard American English speech. But no Russian person is going to say "droog" or "tovarisch" in an English sentence - they are trying to speak English, not to ridicule themselves! They realise that "tovarisch" isn't actually an English word! If they will ever use a Russian word, it will be for a word that they don't know in English, but have some basis for thinking might be recognizable to an English speaker in its Russian form. Or maybe in using a false friend. But how to say "hello", "friend" "comrade" or whatever, that's some of the first things you learn. A good example of how to do this right is Nabokov's Pnin saying "quittance" (квитанция) when he means "receipt". When I read that, I nearly glowed with appreciation. But the thing is, you and I are not Nabokov. Neither you nor I will ever know either Russian or English to the same order of magnitude that he knew both. So, my advice is, don't try. And definitely don't try on the fly. You can do a perfectly believable, more than serviceable accent without ever using Russian words.

The Bottom Line:

Normal English phrase: "Yes, my friend, I am from Russia"

Russian accented English phrase: "Yes, my friend, I am from Russia"

Ridiculously bad phrase: "Da, my droog, I am from Rossiya"

Brilliant Corners II

[I'm at the American Physical Society's March Meeting, wearing my Super Furry Animals shirt]

Physicist: So where does one get a "Super Furry Animals" shirt?

Me: Well, I got this one at a Super Furry Animals concert.

Physicist: It's a band?

Me: Yeah

Physicist [disappointed]: Oh, I thought you were a fan of super-furry animals.

Me: Not really

Physicist: there's nothing wrong with that, you know.

Aphorism Polemics I

I think it's true that if you think about anything long enough it stops making sense. So those short, pithy quotes which are memorable enough to stick in your mind for you to consider have an inherent disadvantage. Nevertheless, it has slowly been dawning on me that a lot of aphorisms that seem great at first are, after some consideration, both meaningless and wrong. Actually, it's impossible for something to be both meaningless and wrong, so what I mean is that they're meaningless enough to make me not happy with them, and also wrong enough for this purpose.

“There is no society in human history that ever suffered because its people became too reasonable” -Sam Harris

Maybe it's people or maybe it's suffering, but put them together and I think you notice: people's suffering is not exactly additive. So what does it mean for a society to suffer? Is it that more people are generally unhappy? Or that the unhappy are unhappier? Or that some calamity befalls them? Or, say, what do we make of North Koreans, who by any objective means are suffering, yet seem almost eerily happy? What I'm trying to say is that it's not so easy to think of many different examples of societies suffering. The only ones I can think of involve wars, genocides, and economic collapse.

So what this is saying, to me, is no society ever got into a war, was a victim of genocide, or had economic collapse from people becoming too reasonable. This is a little non-sensical, but might be true. That is, it might be true depending on how you define reasonableness with respect to hindsight - because reasonableness of an action or point of view has something to do with its outcome. To take a hypothetical example, say the people of country A decide that it's unreasonable to expend too much money on national defense, and vote for a party that wants to cut national defense. In some cases that is a reasonable thing to do. But, say, then, country A gets invaded by its neighbour, country B, and the people suffer. Then, because it led to a bad outcome, this clearly wasn't a reasonable action on the part of the voters of A. But of course, had they not been invaded, then it would have been reasonable, and wouldn't have led to suffering. So, in effect, for a large class of definitions of "reasonable", this statement is a tautology.

It's even worse than that. For other definitions of reasonable, this statement is obviously false. Take, say the Great Depression. People acting reasonably - taking their money out of unsteady banks, and saving it rather than spending it - caused a great deal of suffering. Or, hypothetically take any tragedy of the commons example, really. Do you really believe that a society where no one votes and everyone defects in the prisoner's dilemma is not suffering in respect to one where people are less reasonable? But I guess the counterargument to this is that a society that's just a colony of economists has never actually existed (thank god!), so we don't know - maybe they wouldn't suffer. Anyhow, this seems to rule out any definition of "reasonable" that means acting rationally, that is, in informed self-interest.

I had a suspicion that maybe "not religious" is meant by "reasonable". Well, that's a bizarre definition, for one thing. But it might possibly be true, except that the less happy atheists of America seem to provide a counterexample. Whether you think American atheists are less happy because they're soulless or because they're victimized by Big Church, you still have to say, some people became less religious, and overall the happiness of people got reduced.

So what does that leave for the quote to claim that is both true and not entirely tautological? The only definition of "reasonable" where this statement seems to make some sense is "not superstitious". So what this quote can be construed to mean, then, is "No group of people ever suffered a genocide, war, or economic collapse because they weren't superstitious enough". I guess it's possible that some time war was avoided because of some "bad omen", which would make it false. But then, maybe not, so then it might be true.

What bothers me is that this is a terribly weak statement, whereas the quote from Harris initially sounds like it makes a quite clear and quite strong claim - we should encourage more reason, since if people are more reasonable, it's always better for society. That's not the claim it makes at all.

Top 10

Here are my ten favourite rap songs in English of the past ten years

Jay-Z - Lucifer

In the words of Jay, "Kanye, you did it again, you a genius". Even though the sample is a well-known Max Romeo song, it somehow sounds classic rather than derivative, and the "lucifer, lucifer" is urgent and strongly felt. I could listen to the beat all day long, but Jay nearly upstages it with religious references (he mentions tithes, psalms, "the meek shall inherit the earth"!) and ridiculously crafty internal rhyme schemes (Them a murder me/so I gotta murder them first/emergency/doctors performing proce-/dures/Jesus/I ain't trying to be facetious). Top notch on all counts.

Talib Kweli - Get By

Another quality Kanye production, this time featuring Nina Simone, whom everyone loves. Nina Simone is one of those people that can't be overexposed or overrated no matter how much everyone loves them, because people realise that not to love Nina Simone is just a stupid thing to do, no matter their cred calculations. Here, Kanye and Kweli succeed at the strange task of making a song of economic admonition sampling a song of religious admonition sound joyful and fun and anything but moralistic. Part of it is Kweli's puns (we rock like Paul McCartney/till the last beat'll drop). Part of it is the fact that getting by and getting high is just such an awesome theme (see: Beatles, Spoon). The remix is also good.

GZA - Fame

How is it that MC Paul Barman's "Cock Mobster" sounds childish and lame, and this is one of the greatest rap songs of all time? Maybe it's because anyone can imagine doing what Barman did: take the names of celebrities, put 'em down on a sheet of paper, think up long-form rhymes that will sound ridiculous. But "Fame" requires a level of skill that's beyond at least my understanding. To try to make a whole narrative using celebrities as verbs is not something I'd think of. It's something no one probably even attempted before. The fact that it doesn't make any sense as a whole only makes it better. This is rap at its best - playfully toying with English. It's like GZA invented some sort of bizarre semi-language but he is so confident that you don't dare doubt him. ("Drew Barrymore bones"!!!! "Curtis Mayfield her ass"!!!?? Is that insane or what??). Genius (not like he doesn't know it).

Nas - Queens Get the Money

Poor Nas. No matter how much he tries to sound thuggish he just doesn't. On paper this track is little more than just a brag, but Jay Electronica's ominous piano loop and Nas' off-kilter flow that runs ahead and falls behind the beat make it sound haunting, and give it this off-balance urgency that I love. Normally this wouldn't make sense on a track featuring lame lines like "Niggas still hatin'/Talking Nas done fell off with rhymin'/he rather floss with diamonds", but somehow it does. Hearing "I'm the shaky hand that touched George Foreman in Zaire/The same hand that punched down devils that brought down the towers" followed by the piano loop gives you a chill like listening to a prophecy.

The Streets - Geezers Need Excitement

No matter your opinion of England and its rap, you have something to love here. From the anglophiles who swoon at the accent to the anglophobes who chuckle with found confirmation of their stereotypes at the seedy chavvishness of it all. Like the implication that you're liable to have chips thrown at you by drunk assholes when you visit a shawarma place there. This is neo-realism in rap form. Because he comes from a place that has no rap tradition, really, Mike Skinner (The Streets) doesn't need to play by the rules. He doesn't use the first person. He doesn't do anything meta here. There is no glamour. He is honest, he is giving a simple slice-of-life. Most important, his voice is just plain attention-holding, managing to seem important and casual at the same time.

The Roots - 75 Bars (Black's Reconstruction)

What often gets lost in all the talk about the Roots is what an animal of an MC Black Thought is. It's easy to forget when you have unbeatable smooth tunes like "The Seed 2.0" (which I was also thinking of putting here). But it's also easy to remember when you hear something like 75 Bars. For my money, this is the best dose of straight up Black Thought. Black's greatest talent is making things that don't have any business rhyming in the normal world sound like they match perfectly. (My favourite example, not from this track but from "Thought @ Work" is "focus flawless/New York to Europe/To lands where my feet ain't even touched the shore yet"). Okay, he does end pretty much every line here with a "niggers"/"niggers" rhyme. That's a valid criticism. But despite that, you listen to the track, and it's so potent that at the end of it you just can't help but say to yourself: "damn!"

Buck 65 - Riverbed 2
Buck is in a class all his own. Although he can be fun and cocky with the best of 'em, he has a whole other side of rap where it seems like he's the only one exploring that direction. Adjectives that come to mind on some of Buck's Riverbed tracks that don't often show up in rap: lovely, introspective, shy, quiet. My favourite might be Riverbed 5, a minute and change on the melancholy of separation, but I have to go with Riverbed 2 for a top ten list. Largely because of the hard to match beauty of "Raindrops seeping into the letterbox while I'm sleeping/Makes it seem like those who wrote me were weeping."

Madvillain - Meat Grinder
To me, what makes Madvillain great is that where everyone is so goddamn earnest, even if it's about having fun, DOOM seems to rap with about zero conviction. His voice is so gruff and smiley, his sound so relaxed, his rhymes so apparently tossed off that he manages to make things like "Y'all best to lay low/hey bro/day glo/set the bet, pay dough/before the chedda geddaway best to get Maaco" sound not only effortless but actually lazy. It's like, yeah, he's just dicking around, but it's on such a high level that you can't blame him.

Insight - Bother Me
Before I used to scoff at rappers' admonitions for others to "practice more". It's talent, I thought, you either have it or you don't. But now, thanks to Insight, I don't think so anymore. Insight has really progressed (Evolved? cough cough) this decade. Whereas way back in the day, guesting on Mr. Lif's "Universal" he sounded self-important, humourless and weak, here he is in control, collected, funny and charismatic. And that charisma and likeability are there even though this song is an over-the-top complaint about freeloading moochers. Insight, winner of the most improved award.

Blue Scholars - Joe Metro
Is Joe Metro one of the 10 best rap songs of the last 10 years? Not really. But it's pretty sweet that there's a song about a bus (the 48 here in Seattle) that I've taken many times. Although Geologic's route (Rainier Beach - Downtown) doesn't even overlap with the one I've taken (U-District - Aurora). One thing this track makes you realise is that the 48 is one long-ass bus route. Another is that there is some pretty great Seattle hip hop. But you knew both of those things.

Brilliant Corners I

М.: ...были Галя Козлова и Ира Федотова
я: Федотова? Я не знал что это настоящая фамилия - я думал это вроде как "Сидорова"
Ю.: Конечно, да и Сидоров настоящая фамилия
я: ну, я в смысле того что я думал она очень редкая
Ю.: а она частая - у нас в классе даже была девочка Федотова
М.: и у нас, тоже
Ю.: да, но у вас была Ира - а у нас - Наташа
М.: а наша была моя подруга
Ю. (смущенно): наша была толстая
М.: а наша стала толстая
*me giggling uncontrollably*

Индийские Записки - Бомбей

17-09-09
Хорошо, что когда индийцы приглашают, они на самом деле имеет в виду то, чтобы ты пришел. Но может, на самом деле, это не так? Может это Вариндер хочет показать своих соотечественников с хорошей стороны? Ведь "другом" меня обзывают все попавшиеся встречные. Хочется ответить "You're not my friend, palooka"

18-09-09
Бомбей - город наконец-то похожий на столицу. Широкие улицы, грандиозные здания, арт-деко. А все-таки он попахивает калом. Так, слегка.

19-09-09
Многие думают, что наличие двусмысленностей и неясностей в языках мешает связи и совершенный язык это наиболее точный и прямолинейный. А по-моему, наоборот. Если есть на свете язык, который ближе всего к совершенству, то это Хинди. Язык где можно вставлять целые предложения на английском. Язык где есть как минимум три слова для поворота направо, по нескольку слов "вода", "дождь", "сахар". Где можно сказать we r the mango ppl даже в самом дурацком фильме. Хинди вмещает в себя столько, что трудно представить шутку или игру слов которую нельзя было бы воспроизвести в хиндизованном виде. Разве не в этом совершенство?

20-09-09
Вариндер утверждает что Кама Сутра написана индийцами не потому что Индийцы мастеры секса, а ровно наоборот - потому что им она больше всего нужна. А то, так же как при вождении, они "все всовываются куда ни попадя." Неплохо, а? По-моему, то же можно сказать об индийской религиозной жизни. Индия колыбель тысячи религий не потому, что люди здесь живут богатой духовной жизнью, а именно потому, что духовной жизни здесь так трудно достичь. Покой и уединение, которые мне с западной точкой зрения кажутся необходимыми для того чтобы "думать о главном", здесь найти почти невозможно. Суеверие заменяет многим веру. Кажется, что главное отличие Индусов и Мусульманов, это кому запрещено есть какое копытное животное. А чтобы кто-нибудь с тобой заговорил без цели выудить из тебя денег, так этого вообще не бывает. Индия самая практически, меркантильно настроенная страна в которой я когда-либо был. И становится понятно, что нужно еще чего-то, чего-то другого. И именно поэтому, она колыбель религии. Ну как? Менее убедительно вышло, чем у Вариндера, правда? И вообще, скорее похоже на правду то, что и Кама Сутра, и все индийские религии возникли из неудержимого всеиндийского желания говорить и писать - а о чем, почему - это не так уж важно.

21-09-09
То, что я думал 20-го, сидя в катере, ехавшим на остров Элефанта: сколько же много на свете народу, и до чего же много у человека сил изменить окружающий мир! Раньше, совсем недавно, все население земного шара помещалось на острове Ямайка. Пускай теперь это не так. Но уж на Испаньолу точно вместились бы. А часть земного шара, которую человек не изменил? Ну, может побольше ... а может и нет. Но в Карибское Море наверное влезло бы... Человек повсюду. И почему это понимаешь только когда катер едет через плавучий мусор Арабского Залива? Человек, это щепки дерева, куски ржавеющего металла, пластиковые бутылки, горы дерьма и реки мочи, корабли, кукурузные ошметки, мраморные статуэтки, нефтяные пятна, фары, пластиковые бутылки, машинные звуки, запах плесени, одежда, каменные храмы, капли воды от комнатных кондиционеров. Человек это собака, корова, лошадь. И сколько же все-таки нас много.

Индийские записки - Дели и Север

28-08-09
Говорят, туристы ищут не-отурищеные места. Поэтому, быть туристом значит всегда быть разочарованным - везде, куда ни поедешь, находишь других туристов. Но на самом деле, дела обстоят еще затруднительнее, потому что туристы совсем не ищут уединение. Одиночество, в конце концов, можно найти и у себя. Нет, туристы ищут не одиночество, и даже не уединения в каком нибудь красивом месте, да и уж точно не аутентичного контакта с местными жителями. Самое интересное для туриста, как это ни странно, это именно найти еще одного туриста. Поделиться чувством чужого, сблизиться близостью двух путешественников как-бы "в одной лодке". Но только одного (а еще лучше, конечно, одну). Чтобы можно было дейвствительно обрадоваться другому туристу. Чтобы было чем поделиться. Так что быть туристом, и находить то, чего ищешь, почти невозможно. Уединение где то еще можно разыскать. Но ровно два человека в одном месте, и не больше - это потруднее.

29-08-09
Неснятое короткометражное кино на иностранном языке: мы спрашиваем человека как добраться до города Харидвара. Он говорит что-то непонятное с большой уверенностью, и помогает объяснению руками: вперед, прямо, немножко левее. Потом поворот налево, и по-кругу. Он описывает круги пальцем вокруг точки, кругов пять или шесть. Потом обеими руками жест вниз, потом дотрагивается до своей головы, и наконец жест большим пальцем за спину. И все это время продолжается объяснение. Видимо попасть в Харидвар будет не так-то просто.

02-09-09
Три народных развлечения Индии: игра слов, выпуск газов, и (как-бы совмещая оба предыдущих) попытка как можно дольше не признавать, что не знаешь ответа на заданый вопрос.

03-09-09
Цвета Нового Дели : темно-зеленый авторикш, столбов и ворот, официально-серый линованного асфальта

Цвета Старого Дели : темно-красный песчанного камня, пыльно-коричневый домов, построеных один на другом, пестро-пастельный крашеных магазинов, видных с высоты

Цвета Дарджилинга : мшистый зеленый, черно-серый мокрого, разваливающегося цемента

Цвета Калькутты : желтый амбассадоров, кирпично-красный, серый коричневатого отлива спин городских ворон, светло-голубой и багровый автобусов

05-09-09
Миллиард людей, и сразу становиться понятна вся нелепость жизни. 122 человека из штата Андхра Прадеш умерли от шока или покончили жизнь самоубийством из за гибели Уай. Эс. Ар. Рэдди. Но с другой стороны, 13 умерли просто так, утонув пытаясь окунуть статуи Ганеша в какую то не очень даже священную речку. В Уттар Прадеше, молодой человек убит молнией. В Бенгале, целый класс малолеток смертельно отравлен испорченным ладду. В Дарджилинге, две пары избиты за то, что держались за руки. Вот такой суматошный, бессмысленно-индийский был день.